if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
