People in love make me want to vomit
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
