I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
