I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
