my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
