that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
