just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
