Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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