I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
and she was petting her beer can
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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