4 words: hood of his car
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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