apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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