If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
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I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
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Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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