I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
be right there i have to get my cape
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
