My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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