No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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