she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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