R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
