A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
