Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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