We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
