I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
