I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
