I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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