I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
