maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
