In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
