mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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