I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
