Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
