He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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