Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
