I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
