Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
