i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
