it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
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My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
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Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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