proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
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Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
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My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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