i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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