my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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