a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
3 2 1 whiskey
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Randomize
