He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
