Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
