i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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