There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
