some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Randomize
