Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
