There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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