So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
