if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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