some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Did you just see the Batmobile???
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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