nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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