I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
