I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
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Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
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