The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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