Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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