I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
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I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
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The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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