I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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