wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
