Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
