i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
